To whom it does concern:
I've always wondered if I'd ever find a person who could "vex" me. Mostly because to be "vexing" is a wonderfully wonderful word. Never did I ever think that it would be in the negative sense of the word. I always imagined a whirlwind romance with someone who would challenge me, push me, but love me just as fiercely, but what I ended up with was a stubborn, yet very loyal, friend.
It began with what we thought was love, well, a different kind of love, that very quickly turned into something completely different. From the beginning there had been an honesty and a way with words, which meant that it was also quickly decided that this was a relation worth fighting for.
Finding a soulmate is not something I personally believe in, but I do believe in finding special connections throughout life. The people you choose to have close to you says a lot about you, maybe something about what you need at a certain point of your life or they fill a very specific need. When I find one of those people I hold on and don't let go.
For me that need was venting and being heard. The understanding that I might phrase my words a certain way but you'll always understand what I mean, and not necessarily what I say. To be absolutely honest about your deepest and darkest intent, knowing that not only does the other not judge, they understand. They've been there, maybe even had the same thoughts.
Partner in crime indeed. And I don't mean this is a spiteful way.
So I really wish we could blame all our evils on the obvious source, but as the years go on I've come to realise that the problem is you.
And your problem is not taking responsibility. For anything.
For the words you choose, the lies you told, the hurt you caused.
For the things that have absolutely nothing to do with me or our friendship.
For the situation you put us all in.
And for what? To "keep the peace"?
You having "peace" has consequences that, yet again, someone else has to suffer.
The man i knew stood by me.
The man i knew defended me.
The man i knew listened to me.
The man i knew had respect for the words I said and the feelings I had.
Suddenly this man I knew seems small, cowardly.
All those things that made me love you as a person are slowly fading over time, while you make decision after decision that I can no longer support.
And the worst part of it is, I don't know why.
Did I really not know who I was letting in, or was it a clever ploy to keep me reined in the beautiful personality you painted yourself to be?
I, for one, am disappointed.
In the words you say.
The decisions you make.
Even the opinions you have.
Via by design or neglect, I find us farther and farther apart these days.
The only thing that has changed, is me.
And I hope you hear this.
Because I mean the words that come out of my mouth.
Never have I lied to you.
I have only ever tried to help, and what did it get me?
I will no longer stand by and watch as the friend i love and respect turns numb, arrogant and dissociative.
How you treat other people, any other people really, that's your business.
But not me.
Not anymore.
I take responsibility for the decisions I made that contributed to me being where I am today, and dealing with it.
I am sorry I can't say the same for you.
I do wish you a lifetime of happiness, but as your friend I am scared that the path you have chosen will not lead you there.
And sometimes you have to accept that some people will never hear what you are saying, despite screaming it in their face.
When that happens, let go.
Do not waste anymore of your life on someone who can't hear you and who won't try.
I love you. I always will. At some point I loved you so much it hurt me, but that doesn't mean you are safe.
I know you think so, but you can love someone very much and still need to set them free.
Because the way they love you, is actually hurting you.
You are hurting me.
And no matter what you and I promised each other, I will not stay in a friendship where it has been established for me that I cannot voice my concerns or say no for the rest of my life.
I do not owe you misery for the rest of my life.
That I will not I agree to.
I hope you see the logic in my emotions.
Because that I know you will respect and understand.
But the emotions?
Prove me wrong.
